Tuesday, June 8, 2010

Sometimes, It's What You Don't Say...

Sorry. ANOTHER article of clothing that I hate. Then we can move on.

Nude pantyhose.

But ESPECIALLY knee or ankle-high nude panty hose with a short skirt. (In case you're a boy, and you don't know what that means, "nude" just means it's skin coloured. Dufus.) That elastic band at the top that squeezes in the leg-waddle just enough to look like a sausage link that couldn't quite squish closed at the end - yek.

I don't mean to be catty. For someone who has been wearing the same jeans since 2004, patched up with some fabric that I ripped off of a pencil case, I admit that I seem to be doing a lot of judging on other people's fashion choices. And I mean people's fashion choices as in People's Square. People's Revolution. People's Republic of China. (We've also coined the People's Barbecue, the People's Laundromat, and the People's Squat Toilet.)

So People - I'm gonna have to come right out and say it. We've got a fashion problem here. I've tried to buy clothes, but seriously - every store looks like someone's grandma's closet threw up, rolled around in some sequins, got tangled up with some lacy bows and landed right there in the shop. After procreating with Mickey Mouse. I might as well just tar and feather myself.

I couldn't understand how everyone managed to go outside fully dressed unless there was somewhere else to shop that I didn't know about. So I spent the last few days observing the ladies around town, and my conclusion is that they are indeed wearing the grandma closet barf. Shirts with hearts and ruffles and slogans like love is a many splendored thing or some crap like that.

I could always find tons of cheap clothes in Taiwan, but by cheap I mean most of them have fallen apart already (probably made in China, but not sold here, like so many important things such as NETI POTS).


Why am I stuck with pom pom shoes and a bedazzled Donald Duck jean jacket? I'll tell you why.

Mao. I blame Mao.

For 30 years, from the 50s to the 80s, China was completely closed. No one going out, no one going in, no letters, no phone calls. No Elvis, no Beatles, no Rolling Stones, no hippies. No Marilyn Monroe. No disco. No Hollywood: only about four Chinese operas and propaganda films. Then suddenly, it's the 80s and its EVERYTHING at once. Elvis and Cindy Lauper in the same breath. Leg warmers, hairspray, bell bottoms, and poodle skirts all in one burst. People probably just didn't know what to do with all of that information at once; they probably couldn't make sense of it. Stimulus overload. Enter Hello Kitty, at the moment of weakness.

Mao Zedong, I blame you and your revolution for the shoes with the cats on them, and the vest attached to the pants, and the big black bow attached to all of them. It is the anniversary of the massacre at Tiananmen Square, but we're not allowed to talk about that. So for now let's deal with this grievance instead.

1 comment:

  1. good god woman. i hold to it. you are a total genius. come back to canada. you can wear whatever you want here. however, i did see a man on the subway the other day wearing those teeny tiny nude socklets that people wear with their sandals so their feet don't stick or sweat. a man was wearing a pair of these. it was horror. i could see them. if you can see them, they should not be there. eww.
    i miss you.